A Sanctuary of Peace

     It's 8:45 pm on Monday, April 17th, 2023.  The last two days has been horrible.  My husband has been so very abusive to me and my animals.  He has done nothing but threaten me, bully me and emotionally, mentally and physical abuse me.  (The physical abuse was mild this time, but still there... sigh ... It consisted of his pushing me back into the bedroom with his body and blocking my exit, refusing to allow me to leave, as he yelled at the top of his lungs for 20 minutes at me, blaming me for anything and everything, and spitting in my face the entire time.)

     Right now, I'm so hurt and worried I do not honestly know how I'm going to make it through the night.   He just got finished cussing me and my animals, threatening them and me, and telling me how I've ruined his life and made him miserable because I have had animals the past 4 years he never wanted. (He KNEW before we ever dated I LOVED animals and they had always been a part of my life.. He KNEW I had pets and bred rare rabbits)  We took some rare bred cats because he thought they were going to be "alot of instant money".  He blames me for that also and because I love them.   But then again it's really NEVER been about my animals... or any animals, or anything about me really.  IT IS ABOUT his vulnerable narcissism, his mental problems, his rages, his attitude, his meanness, his unresolved angers before he ever met me.  

     My husband says I've never done anything for him in the four years since we've been together... ??  His lies hurt so very much, as I've devoted my life to him and his adult "kids".  (I've been forced to NOT visit my own family and been kept isolated from them by him.  He made me quit working doing covid and never allowed me to go back... He took all the money I had saved working, and from unemployment doing covid, in an account I had long before I met him.)   I have done everything in my power for "them"...he and his adult "kids"  ~~ washed clothes for all three of them... cooked, washed dishes, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned house, made round trips of 90 miles for them each day for months, bought groceries, ran errands, cut their hair, helped him with any project inside or outside the house, and on and on.  Taking care of three other adults for four years, who brag about being slobs has not been easy.  In the last 6 months my husband has been sick with covid, and viruses 5 times for a week to 9 days each time and I've taken care of him around the clock ...BUT he has nerve to tell me I never do anything for him????     

      In the four years we've been together he (my husband) HAS NEVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF ME ... When I was very sick he never hardly gave it a notice and I took care of myself... a couple of times I was so sick I could barely make myself go.

    My sister and my best friend has told me it's not me... I went to a therapist by myself for a year because my husband only went one time to him.  This therapist told me it was not me. (My husband made me stop going to him.)  My husband and I went to a second therapist only 3 times and he refused to go back because he did not like what the man said to him.  I have begged my husband two years ago for us to have family therapy and he refused.  I have watched many you tube videos about vulnerable narcissist and I have learned it's really NOT me... sigh.   My husband creates his own problems and he tries to sabotage himself, me and us as a couple.  He had severe rages with his first wife who is deceased.  For all the years of their marriage he raged and fought with her.  He also has severe anger issues with her he never addressed.

    I feel so hurt and alone right now.  I am not though, because I am God's Precious Child!!  It's hard many times for me, right now, I feel HURT, brokenhearted and READY TO LEAVE HIM (my husband).  If money was no object I would leave and take all these little animals so he couldn't harm them, or throw them out on a road, and I would NOT RETURN.  

    Two and a half weeks ago, he kicked one of our dogs in the chest with a steel toed boot... I was furious and screamed at him NOT to do that... my dog, yelped and fell backward.  This hurt ME SO badly... I'd rather he had hit me or kicked me.   He (husband) has threatened to cut the heads off some of our animals, he's threatened to throw them out on the road somewhere and GOT made at me because I told him I WILL NOT DO THAT.

    Not only women are abused, but it's usually women that are "trapped"... I used to not truly understand why a woman didn't "just walk away"... but NOW I do... and have for two and a half years.  There are many reasons women stay with abusive men.  My reason is he controls everything and until I get the resources /funds to buy a home for myself and all these little animals that depend on me I can not walk away and leave them!  Lord only knows what he would do to them without me here.   I've never had children of my own (though I've helped raised many through the years).  My animals are my children... I can't leave him until we can ALL BE SAFE.   

    I want enough funds to purchase a property, an old farm, I can turn into a sanctuary.  I want a place of peace, love and kindness where I can have animals and invite other abused women to come to find solace and peace, and regroup their minds and hearts.

    I'm tired, and right now I have no where to go to be safe from my husband's rages, abuse and control.  I have been fighting depression for months and only God, and my sister and a friend has kept me from totally giving in and giving up.  All I feel like doing to crying. I want and need to have my own property where he can NEVER hurt me again in any way... where I will NEVER have to endure him hurting me or my animals ever again.   I don't feel like in the four years we've been together that I have ever had a home with him.  I want a home... a place I can lay down and sleep and not have to worry about him waking me up to his rages and abuse.  He thrives on trying to keep me living in fear and upset of him ALL the time.  It's exhausting mentally and physically.  I can't bare it ...

     If anyone feels it in their heart to donate my email is: 

                                                                       RachalsSong@gmail.com

     Thank you kindly.  

     ( I have the email linked to a Zelle account (it's limited to $2500 every 24 hrs).   I think Google pay will use my email for me to recieve funds? )