My husband has been hateful, mean, abusive today. About 7:55 pm tonight he left to go to the big city (30 miles away and 40 miles from his 22 year old daughter's college apartment) to take his daughter shopping... WE, as in he and I, were supposed to take her today. He did this to purely spite me and be hateful to me... not because his daughter needed anything... BUT just because he knew WE were supposed to go and thus he left me without even having the polite kindness to tell me he was leaving.
He's been so hurtful toward me and so hateful today...I've been crying most of the day from PURE rare hurt. I've told God I wasn't allowing him (my husband) to take my peace but the hurts are deep. My husband has a narcissistic personally and he hurt his first wife (deceased for 5 years) for over 20 years both with mental and physically abuse. I just DID NOT know about it, as he was in therapy when we begin dating, and he HID all of it WELL. There were very, very few "red flags" as we dated and the very, very few ones, were so small I didn't want to be paraniod.
This all begin about 1 pm today... He (husband) has not slept much in five days and nights. (He's been workng night shifts as he has for 24 years... 20 years before he and I got together.) I have begged him the past 5 days/nights to get some good REST. He will look at news on TV or on his computer ALL night fighting sleep like a child, KNOWING he has to get up for work at 3am.
He slept more this morning (he's off today and tomorrow) than he has in 5 days/nights. He stayed in bed until about noon today. I'd gotten up five or more times through the morning being extremely quiet to NOT wake him. My husband WAS IN A GOOD MOOD when he got up... we both went into the kitchen and I begin making coffee. He was calling me "BABY" and hugging and loving on the cats. (we have 7 which are VERY clean).
My husband was FINE UNTIL his 25 yr old son came out of his filthy bedroom and into the kitchen. My husband begin telling his son that he talked to a guy at work and they are dong another big turn around and he (the guy) can get him a job making $17 an hour, or more, with a contracted company working for their company.
The son, didn't want to really talk to my husband about it... basically told him wasn't interested. (The 25 yr old son refused a job with a contracted company about a month ago that my husband had gotten, a man he knows, to get for the son! I heard them talking and his son flat told his dad, "The guy called me to come to work and I told him NO I wasn't interested in the job." Then, the next week the son begin working at a gas station for about $10 an hour.) So today the son told my husband he didn't want that kind of job (by this he means he doesn't want to actually work, or sweat, or do any outside work or any real job that would require much work.) He then told his dad, "I'll think about it..." The son just told my husband THIS to get his dad off his back about it all.
AFTER that incident between them MY HUSBAND begin harassing me and verbally abusing me about our "seven" cats in the house... He threatened to leave, he threatened to take my/our cats to a SPCA, he cussed, and raged at me to the point I thought he would hit me. He got in my face screaming and spitting on me...his nose to my nose. This was AFTER the son left for work that he GOT really BAD. It's so very hurtful.
My husband has done SO MUCH mentally and emotional abuse to me the last 3 years that I truly just want to be able to WALK away. Today has HURT me so badly. I thought I was immune to this DEEP of hurt but for some reason today it's been very very bad again. His rages hasn't lasted most of the day in weeks... he's had them but they haven't lasted this long. I have cried most of the day but I haven't allowed him to see me.
As my sister and I talked this evening... We do not know how my husband can abuse his body as he does. We have been afraid for several months...actually for a year... that he IS GOING TO give himself a heart attack and die! He used Adderall THREE times today with energy drinks! He will take half an Adderall (which he does have a prescription for because he claims to have ADD). He is a recovering alcoholic of 22 years and a recovered drug addict of 22 years. YOU would think he'd know God and be grateful... but he scoffs at my faith, tries to tell me what to believe, tries to put down on anything/any preacher, speaker, motivator I watch on TV... He doesn't want me to have any faith in God, in myself, or any any confidence in myself. He doesn't want me to have any joy or happiness.
It's SO VERY SAD he has seemed determined the last TWO years, especially (and really the last three) to make himself and ME, and our relationship, miserable.
I checked my lotto tickets from the last few weeks (I buy one or two a week) and HOPED I had won enough to go get myself and my animals a home... and to live in peace. This might sound silly but I believe GOD is going to give me the funds somehow, to go get my own vehicle and my own home were my animals (our animals) and myself can live each day of our lives in peace, and without fear, or meanness, or abuse or threats. (I'm crying again.)
He (husband) came back home at 10:05 pm... with some food items (canned drinks, OHH and canned CAT FOOD) from Walmart. He bought an opened big box of canned cat food like I give our cats (one can a day). In his mind this MADE up for his earlier abuse and meanness to me.
(It means he KNEW he was an ass and hateful...) How does he expect me to react? Fall at his feet after I spent most of the day crying out of his sight???
I'm very exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. My head is pounding like it's going to pop. My sister says my blood pressure is high/up because of all the stress he (husband) put me through today. I have no doubt she's right. (Nearly two years ago when he MADE me go to his doctor and get a check up AND get tested for all sorts of VD (of WHICH of course I had NONE)...
My blood pressure was sky high that day because he'd argued with me all morning and my appointment with her was around 1pm I think... (or maybe 2:30pm... it seems like he was going to work when I was going to the doctor... I don't remember...sigh) My point is the doctor wanted to put me on blood pressure medicine... I never got it.
He's definitely the reason his deceased wife begin having strokes...no doubt. I used to think she did him SO BAD because she turned to other men... but I feel sorry for her moreso now, knowing what her own children did to her plus what he (my husband / her husband) did to her. She was a young woman and he turned her away sexually, and physically (with NO hugs, and affection), emotionally, and every way he could AS HE'S done me 60 percent of the time the last 3--3 1/2 years. Is it any wonder she turned to other men? I'm not saying it's right what she did him, but I understand WHY. If I didn't have God, my faith, my friends, and sister, I do not know what I would have done. There's been at least 150 times in the past 3 1/2 years years that MY HUSBAND has lain in bed next to me and "punished" me because I LOVE him and he used "my needs" to be touched, held, loved by him AS his WEAPON to hurt me deeply, make me sob crying most of the night, and feel totally worthless as a woman.
NO, there's NO wonder why she (his deceased wife) turned to other men. I KNOW she wanted to just be held by a man at times... just held in a man's arms... I know she wanted to be kissed, told she was pretty... told she was wanted by a man. IF her own husband would punish her because of "her needs" and push her away, shaming her, and breaking her heart what was she to do?? Sigh... EVERY wife deserves to be LOVED by her husband... deserves to be held, called baby... made to feel special and cared for. SEX aside a woman has a need for physically closeness to her husband... this BONDS her to him. Even sex begins outside the bedroom. I like physical closeness... (non sexual) ... I TOLD my husband THIS before we dated. I told him this while we dated and before we married. I like for my man to hold me... hug me... hold my hand... Even the Bible clearly states for a husband to be kind and gentle and loving to his wife... to NOT be harsh with her...sigh.
Once more, I feel God is just telling me when my time comes to go/leave and go to MY OWN HOME He's given me... that I go freely without being concerned about my husband's hurt. I should NOT worry about his hurt... heavy sigh. Here come the tears again also.
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