He says I f*cked up his life...
We 11:45pm Feb. 28th, 2025 Friday:
My husband is working DAYS the next 5 days and he's worked days the last 4 days... He was off last Friday/Sat and Sunday. He WILL NOT SLEEP when he works days. He lays awake with his FACE stuffed in front of his laptop in bed, chatting on line on 3 different news forums that he joined when he "gave up" twitter 2 months ago because he said he was spending too much time on twitter???? SO HE GOT OFF THAT PLATFORM AND JOINED 3 ONLINE NEWS FORUMS WHERE HE CHATS, and fights and argues with various strangers just for the sake of fight and arguing... over politics???????????
He just started a fight five minutes ago. He WOKE up out of a sound sleep (had only been sleeping about 30 minutes) and begin arguing with me... WOKE up and started in on me with meanness, hatefulness, and mental and emotional abuse. He raised up in bed and begin speaking hateful and shitty, "HOW many cats and goats did you get rid of today?" I ignored him because I know he's exhausted and miserable with his own self and yet he persisted to harass and abuse me, mentally and emotionally, until I got up and told him, "I'm sick and tired of your threatening me, and abusing me. I'm TIRED of your threats." HE KEPT on... and STILL IS NOW>>> Telling me he's going to sell our old country house to make sure I have to get rid of the cats I have up there and the little miniature goats. He threatened to leave, he threaten me throw make me get out, he threatened to cut up the credit cards. He threaten to take my animals. He is a miserable person with his own self and he can't STAND to see me happy, joking, talking or having a nice or happy time or any JOY.... That's why he keeps trying to force me to get rid of my three dogs and my cats because he knows they give me a GREAT deal of emotional support and love... something he DOES NOT. It's also like my sister (and my friend that died a year ago) told me he's miserable with his own self and doesn't like his self... it's not about me or the animals (other than the fact he can't stand they give me emotional support).
He did his deceased first wife this for 20 yrs. before she died. He TOTALLY BROKE her. She had major health issues and basically lay in bed the last few years of her life. He had her committed to a mental institution stating she was a threat to herself, he had her drivers license taken away from her. He got power of attorney over her and took her inheritance away from her. I KNOW he pushed and shoved her around and physically abused her WORSE than he's done me... (he's shoved me into the floor, lay on top of me and held me down several times, pushed me into walls more times than I can remember, "accidentally" bumped into me knocking me into walls, almost down steps, etc... not to mention putting his hands around my neck holding me against closed doors or walls and threatening to choke me... spitting in my face, getting in my face when I will not respond to his rages and screaming in my ears attempting to make me respond... on and on... He picked up a shovel at our old country house and threatened to hit me with it hold it back on his right shoulder like you a baseball bat and I had to back up the back porch steps before he could get to me... He had threatened to wreck the car while he was driving and kill us both. I KNOW if he's been this horrible with me it is NO TELLING how much physical, mental and emotional abuse he put his deceased wife through!)
I'm recording him on voice recording RIGHT now on my phone as I type this.
A few nights ago... I realized for the hundredth TIME how much he does not want me to succeed and have my own money. I realized just HOW AFRAID of my being successful he actually still is. I have been attempting to read a mystery romance...just to literally forget everything for a few moments when I can read. The first book I've EVER read and intend to finish in the SIX YEARS I've been with him. I was talking about writing a psychological thriller myself... as he's always watching them on tv... I begin talking to him as he was in a good mood ---- about finishing a psychological thriller I'd begun. He begin putting down on me that night... "HOW do you have TIME to read or to write a book...? I spend all my time working and I don't have time to write a book... but you are going to write a book?"
I told him this is the first book I've read in SIX YEARS! And you fault me for reading a book?? He said, "Oh no... I don't care if you read a book, but you don't have time to write a book... I'm too busy working and you are too busy taking care of the house and all the things I need you to do to write a book." He is so freaking jealous of anyone and anything and especially ME. He's jealous and AFRAID I WILL succeed and HE KNOWS I will LEAVE him as soon as I'm able to financially.
THEN he begin telling me... "You fucked up my life...HOW can you treat me this way...? How can you keep these animals? Why do you want to hurt me? You are fucking up my life." (????????????????? he is a narcissistic sociopath and as my sister has told me several times he is very sadistic many times.
AS GOD is my witness I will go and if I had had money to purchase a home for me and my animals the last two years I would have been gone!! MY husband is going to be VERY shocked one day/night/ when he comes in from work and EVERY thing about me and my animals are GONE. I will leave him a note by his bed saying "I love You. You always said I fucked up your life... so now I'm out of it. I wish you well. I love You."
That will be my final words to him. He can make of them what he will. I will be gone. I don't care if I have to cry for a week... or even if I have to buy a bottle of rum and stay very tipsy for a week... I will not go back, call him or have contact with him. When I'm gone... I'm gone.
I want to cry now... I don't know what I still feel so hurt by him after six years. I was better emotionally a year ago than I am now. A year ago I thought I would have at least 3 books finished by now and have ENOUGH money to have purchased a home for me and my animals and easily be able to support us working from home. That has not happened. I'm not "blaming" my husband but the truth is, like my sister tells ALL the time... he attempts to keep me so exhausted (waking me up and fighting with me all hours when I'm sleeping), keep me so busy (giving me a list of things to do before he goes to work and calling me from work telling me things to do), and attempting to keep me mentally and emotionally upset all the time... (by denying me rest, and by even denying me SLEEP) that I can barely function the last 5 months... I've talked to GOD about this... the last several months I've been at my wits end... I am exhausted in all ways and I can not and do not want to be here. I can barely stand to be here. I dread being around him for FEAR of his abuse...
He tried to kick the pit bull puppy a few days ago with his steel toed work boot... I told him very angrily and firmly, "DO NOT kick that puppy with those damn steel toed boots, and I MEAN it." My husband did this at our old country house to a foster dog I had rescued and meant to keep... he kicked him as hard as he could standing up with his right foot with those damn boots. The kick was so HARD (he dog was running toward him...not fast more like a jog) and he kicked him square and straight on in the chest with his work boot knocking the poor dog backward and make him lose his breath and yelp in hurt. I was so MAD I could have knocked my husband OUT that day. That's the same day he punched the little miniature buck goat in the nose/face three times with his right fist...
GOD I CAN NOT GO ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER. A FEW DAYS OF PEACE AND HIS BEING NICE THAN JUST WHEN I DROP MY GUARD SOME... HATEFULNESS, PURE EVIL MEANNESS AND ABUSE. He tries to keep me so beat down that I can barely think. WHAT am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me??? I can't just leave. I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO PROVIDE A HOME FOR ME AND THESE ANIMALS.
I know he's a narcissistic sociopath... I know he's not right mentally... I just don't know how to get enough money to buy a home for US. I know it's NOT all me... I know I'm not that a bad wife or person.
HELP ME JESUS... NOW.
