June 10th, 2025 10:17pm Tuesday night.
I'm aggravated (and fed up) with my husband. He went to his checkup to get his Adderall prescription refilled at 2:30pm today. He was LATE obviously, because he did not get out of the until almost 4pm... HOW do I know... because he got an email telling him his appointment was complete.
He did something VERY weird about an hour ago. He took four of what he told me was his Adderall (caplets) in an medicine bottle, and went and threw them literally up into the high self in the upper cabinet on the left of the stove?? I asked him what are you doing? He'd been in his "medicine drawer" in the bedroom. I was not actually in the kitchen when he did it (but the office room) so he doesn't know I actually saw where he put the bottle. He said, "I'm moving my Adderall out of the bedroom so I don't get up in my sleep and take too many, and mess up test results..." That was what he mumbled when I asked him what he was doing. I THINK he put the four caplets up there SO HIS SON COULD GET THEM... is what I think. Whatever the reason HE (husband) HAD a specific reason or he would not have done it. LIKE RIGHT, you are going to get up for work and have to go dig up on a high shelf in the cabinet that you can't reach for an Adderall ? RIGHT.............
I think I'm just going to go get the bottle and take it out. I KNOW he did not put that up there for himself. THAT's FOR CERTAIN, unless it's some sort of pill he's taken and didn't want me to know. It was not an Adderall round pill like he usually takes either. I'm going to take photos of the pill... they are long not round like the normal Adderall.
ANOTHER thing that makes me aggravated with him... he's looked at porno videos 3 times already today... He doesn't realize (and I'll never tell him) that his google history is synced with his email. (He told me 4 1/2, or more, years ago to put his email on my phone so he doesn't have to worry about checking it, so I can check it for him... That was WHEN I made him his current email.) I even went to his account and saw one of the videos he watched. It's vulgar--- just a woman with fake penis toys, stuffed up in her with one squirting water... it was not sexy but more gross, I thought. SO HE lets me lay beside him in bed NOT touching him, because for the LAST YEAR I try to AVOID all touching of him in bed... HOWEVER, I have never refused him sex. That's one thing he can NEVER say.
MY POINT, I Love him... YET, he refuses me affection, kind words, hugging, kissing, even good bye when he leaves for work, or comes home. HE.... MY OWN HUSBAND refuses me common kind courtesies that you would show a stranger on the street. YET, he is harsh, hateful, mean, demeaning, abusive, and ugly to his own wife???
I have learned as of a year and a half, or so ago, to LIVE without his hugs, very rarely even a hand hold, with out his kisses (other than the last time we had sex which was around mid April I think) (and this is June 10th... so nearly TWO months). I have learned NOT to want him hardly at all physically/sexually, and IT'S HIS DOING.
HE USED TO TELL ME I WAS RUINING US... NO, HE'S RUINED US... I feel differently toward him because it's like my sister (and my dear friend Vickie told me, many times, before she passed away in Feb. 2024) HE (my HUSBAND) has MADE my feelings toward him DIFFERENT by all his abuse of me. This is what he meant when we were first married when he said these exact words to me --->> "Baby I hope you will always love me as much as you do now. I hope you will always feel this way about me." Those were words I could not comprehend back then.... 6 1/2 years ago. HOWEVER, he KNEW how he was back then, and he knew how he'd abused his first /deceased wife for 20 years. HE ALSO knew he would do it to ME ....>>> THUS, he KNEW exactly what OUR lives together would be!! THIS to ME ---->> proves without a DOUBT, that he HID his narcissistic sociopath abusive nature from me, with, and on, purpose, to persuade me to marry him. MY husband hid his REAL self as long as he possibly could... until the 5th month of our marriage... sigh. Then he begin his ABUSE OF ME>>>> like he'd gotten away with, with his deceased wife for 20 years.
ONE thing I'm grateful for is my 17 year old nephew went to camp this summer to get his GED and learn some disciple (it's a military type youth program). My husband IS going to his "mentor" day in about a week to spend 5 hours there with my nephew. I AM GRATEFUL for this because my nephew has no "man" really in his life since his grandfather died two years ago. Then my older sister's husband died six months ago...sigh. THIS is a small miracle for certain... for my husband to do this... but it will also "make him look like a hero" to all the men over the camp...so he will get his thrill I guess from that. PROBABLY the men over the camp will have his number literally within 15 minutes of being around him... though... as they are not his co-workers but more like professional councilors, etc. HOWEVER, FOR MY NEPHEWS SAKE I'M VERY GRATEFUL MY HUSBAND IS GOING, NO MATTER HIS REASONS TO GO.
IT'S ALL A GREAT SHAME... as my sister (and my deceased dear friend) told me the last three years, WE could have life / the world by the tail, and being having the time of our lives with each other... (Ok, despite myself, I'm going to cry here... writing this.) You know I don't have, and have not, had, ANY emotional support from my husband in close to four years... I mean not even small things. Every time there's been a death in my family (two in two years not even counting my dear friend) He's been there those two times in front of all my family and their friends... BUT WHEN HE AND I HAVE BEEN ALONE... HE'S RAGED, CUSSED, ABUSED ME... AND TORMENTED ME, emotionally and mentally, and in those two times (of family deaths) pushed and shoved me physically also... along with threatening to hit me.
My husband has done nothing but lay in bed all day before and after. getting back from his appointment at 4pm. YET, every time I get still and at my computer he's started about different things that need doing. Before he left at 2:15pm or so this afternoon, he'd told me he needed to spray weed killer around the back yard. (IT's going to rain the next 5 days... you are not supposed to spray it if it's raining... as it needs to dry...) I told me before he left --->>> "I'd rather you do than me... " (He keeps telling me of "all the free time you have"....) YES, RIGHT??????????? With driving 120 miles round trip to our old country house 4 times a week... with waiting on him hand and foot, 24/7/365, with buying groceries, washing and drying and putting up 5 big loads, OR MORE, of clothes a week, with cooking at least 5 major meals a week and grill cheese and egg/ham/cheese sandwiches in between... and keeping his energy drinks and night drinks made for him, and keeping his laid out to wear clothes drawer full, and sweeping the kitchen / living room and cleaning the counters, and sink, and, and, and, and.... I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME?????? I BARELY HAVE TIME TO SLEEP AND NEVER GET ENOUGH REST OR SLEEP.
Like today with him laying in bed all day, he started about spraying the yard with weed killer (even though it was to rain any moment) and then after it rained was his plastic ice cream buckets he has little tomato and pepper plants out back full of water? I told him he had moved them under the roof yesterday. Then he started about two or three other things around the house... just trying to make work for me. I'm was so aggravated with him for this. I don't KNOW what he's going to do when I'm not longer here. I DO NOT want to think about it and God has told me NOT to, after I'm gone. He (my husband) has had his chances over and over with ME. HE KNEW what I wanted in a man before we dated... kind, gentle hearts, loving to me... loyal, honest, caring and a gentleman... ALL I asked him to do on that account was open/close my car door for me and NEVER walk ahead of me / or leave me in a parking lot, etc... BUT everything I've wanted he's broken, and been hateful about... sigh, over the last 5 1/2 years.
THIS, above brings me around to what I wanted to write here last night but was too tired too. Amazingly on Friday (last Friday) I managed to bath, shave my legs, clip my toe nails and file and paint my finger nails all with in a 12 hour period (in between doing 20 other things). First time I've painted my nails in 2 months... which is highly UNLIKE me. My toe nails were longer than my finger nails... I think that's because I'd been fighting depression so heavily, and BEEN so exhausted "taking care of him"... my husband all the time. His attitude has been so hateful over all also.
I had a house picked out about 80 miles from our old country house and about 80 miles from our city house. My sister and I went and looked at IT IN JANUARY ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! It went "pending" about two months ago and I was secretly heartbroken (other than crying to GOD) because I'd claimed this HOME AS MINE. My own 10 acres and with a fabulous brick home, I feel in love with, here in this state... So actually,since then, I'd given up looking at houses locally, and begin looking in Arkansas and Tennessee again... ~~>> GUESS WHAT, I think it was June 7th, of all things, an ad came across when I was online, of it relisted, and it's NOT pending any longer!!!!!!! I felt like a weight lifted off ME literally!! I have been so happy believing I WILL GET this for MY HOME, for me and my animals. I have been watching Joel Osteen and Jesse Duplantis over the last month because I NEEDED someone to encourage ME. I'd JUST watched a Jesse Duplantis youtube video sermon I think the night before, where he preached, "GOD says for US to believe HE will do it... not for US to try to figure out how to do it or how our Miracles will happen...or WHERE or HOW THE MONEY WILL COME ~~>> JUST BLEIVE it's OURS.... the HOME<, the CAR, the FUNDS, the MONEY, the HEALTH, the JOB, the MARRIAGE, what ever we want and are believing for!! GOD ASKED US TO BELIEVE AND HE DOES THE REST!!
That's a photo of ME way in the back on a small hill under my trees at my home... OK, GOD, I'm BELIEVING. AMEN!
Ok, it's 11:25 pm and I'm tired of typing here. I'm going to end this blog entry now and go look AT MY LOCAL HOUSE< AND ONE I HAVE SAVED IN TN ALSO.
