Abused Hurt Heart

 4:22 pm Dec. 2cd, 2024 Monday

MY husband left for work about 3:25pm (there was no reason as usual for him to be running late, other than his own self).  He is so ungrateful and unthankful for anything and everything in his life.  His attempting to control any and everything I do, or don't do, is more than stressful.  His waking me from a sound sleep at night, to rage at me, is psycho to say the least.  I can very well understand HOW he totally broke his deceased wife's spirit and how he gained full control over her.  He literally stressed, abused and harassed her until her spirit was broken. 

Why would he have her committed to a mental institution claiming she was a "danger" to herself?  Why would he do that, unless it was simply to control HER money she inherited when her dad died, and also her settlement monies from the wrecks she was in?  He's said she got a good deal of money from one settlement.  After he had her declared a danger to her self and institutionalized, HE gained power of attorney OVER HER.  He also had her drivers license TAKEN away.  (His son was 21 when we got together and he told me this same story several times the first year his father and I were married.  I could tell he was lying about his mother's true mind state.  He admitted he didn't think she was a danger to herself but he and his dad where unsure, so his dad had her committed to a mental hospital just to be safe... CRAZY.)

Three and a half years ago, or about that length of time, my husband threatened to take my driver's license away and have me "committed".   He cornered me in the garage, and said he wanted a divorce, and he would give me half the "money".  I was so stupid back then, and in love with him (I still do love him but I'm no longer "nieve") I'd told him I love him and wanted our marriage to work.  That's when he "threatened" ME with the same things he did to his first wife!!  I'd told him if the "thought" he could do that, he had better make sure he could, or he'd have 100 times hell to pay, and he had better bring an army with him, BECAUSE WHEN HE COULD NOT DO THAT, and backed me into a corner making me fight him, was WHEN I WAS GOING TO DEFEND MYSELF!!   He was such a freaking bully to his first wife.  BUT I need to remember, he is a narcissistic sociopath, and these type of personalities DO NOT function as "normal" in their thought process.  

Narcissistic sociopaths always thing they MUST control everything, and their spouses get the brunt of their warped ways of thinking.  I keep forgetting my husband doesn't have the empathy or love I have for people or animals, or anything for that matter.  I can be with my animals in nature, just sitting with my dogs, and be perfectly at peace and happy... I can smell a beautiful rose and be so grateful and thankful to GOD.   It really hurts me that he (my husband) allows his thinking to be so horrible, negative, and just plain hateful and mean.  

Several times, including 4:17 this morning, he accused me of being mean and hateful and having nothing but hatefulness coming out of my heart.  I told him "YOU are the one always screaming like a psycho and raging and waking me up with your bullshit, but I have "hatred" in MY HEART?   This morning I was so freaking fed up with his bullshit and rages I told him to "Shut the f*ck UP being a f*cking psycho, and go to sleep and f*cking LET ME SLEEP too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I'm not proud of myself, that I sunk to his level, but at least it worked and he shut up.  I told him last year, if he doesn't get a hold of his mind, and his thoughts, and begin thinking happy thoughts and more positively, then he's going to let evil take over his mind, with or without, ME here.   (He's just threatened to kill himself about a month a go... I don't even think he means that at all either.  I think it's just another attention ploy, and another control method, to keep me upset and even more stressed as he knows I do love him.)

I'm having a very difficult time not just laying in bed crying.  I'm so hurt over my husband's stupid raging yesterday, over if I may have a small credit card in my name.  HE'S CREATED THE SITUATION BY OPENING THE CHECKING ACCOUNT AT BOA IN MY NAME MONTHS AGO.  He kept accusing me yesterday, OH, and at 4:17 am this morning, waking me up raging about it, when HE IS the one that gave the bank MY INFORMATION!!  ALL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION. That's crazy anyway, to be so freaking controlling, that HE is the only one allowed to have credit cards in HIS name and then I'm an add on to the accounts??  He just got a brand new American Express card in his name and didn't tell me anything about it at all????   He just "ordered" a card for me on that account 4 days ago... a new account, he opened that I knew nothing about.  

I'm barely able to keep from sobbing and am breaking down into tears off and on even writing this.  I'm TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There is absolutely NO reason on God's green earth that I should be hurting so much, OR have been so freaking harassed and emotionally / mentally abused, the last 24 hours over my having a small credit card in my name.

It's so difficult for me to remember he is literally mentally ill with his narcissistic sociopath ways... a narcissist thinks differently ... they blame others, they create chaos and say someone else did all that... they rage and control and want others to think of them as the best thing since sliced bread!!   My husband has been horrible the last year about berating me, my family, my personality, my faith in God, my beliefs... NOTHING I do has been RIGHT according to him.  The house is never clean enough but it's the 4 cats fault of the puppy's fault --- even though it is NOT the animals.  His 26 yr old son lives in a room full of literal GARBAGE... mostly discarded food boxes, plates, bowls, cans, glasses, and then of course his clothes and other things all over the floor, bed and room.  IF I DID NOT pick up and straighten constantly behind my husband, the entire house would look nearly as bad as his son's room in less than a week!!  An example:  Our back patio.  I have nothing back there any longer.  I took my three vintage metal chairs up to the old country house over a year ago.  ALL that is on the back patio (at our city house is HIS stuff...)  I can pick up behind him and the first time he goes back there it's the same or worse!!  JUST like him using free pallets to wall off a 5 x 4 ft area in the back yard... THE DOG'S yard for his "compost bin/area".  That was the dog's yard 3 1/2 years before he decided to make a compost area on the ground in it!!  YET, he keeps raging at me and cussing  female dog (that I had before we met) and my 1 1/2 yr old big shepherd dog for digging in his compost bin????  CRAZY>>>> and one more example of the "chaos" he MAKES all on his OWN.  

It's almost like he thrives on "chaos"...????  Well, according to some of the youtube videos I've watched on narcissistic sociopath behavior he probably does...   Just like when we bought our old country house 3 years ago... he kept wanting "chaos" photos to show everyone... "Take chaos photos... I want everyone to see all the chaos..."  It was like that was ALL he had his mind fixated on!!!  Also, my sister will tell you... She, I, and my husband, went up there (to the old country house a couple of years ago to get it all ready for the bank inspection to refinance the loan from a construction loan to a normal loan.  She and I worked our butts off cleaning, scrubbing, moving things, packing things, making the entire house READY for the man from the bank to come inspect it and declare it "livable" for the new loan.  MY HUSBAND was supposed to be putting down ONE piece of carpet... about 3 ft long and 1 ft wide... splice it into the bedroom carpet to finish the carpeting around the door way.   HE SAT IN THE FLOOR FOR ABOUT FOUR HOURS (doing nothing but looking on his phone) AND TO THIS DAY, THAT SMALL PIECE OF CARPET IS STILL NOT DONE?????? It's crazy.  ALL he had to do was trim the piece of carpet a tad, fit in on the floor with a tad of glue and put down the bedroom doorway thrush hole metal piece over it's edge....????!!!! (He would pretend he was working when he saw my sister or I but when we weren't around he was twittering or reading political news on his phone!!)   SIGH... his "excuse" was ..."I just can't seem to get this to do right..."  WELL, freak, if he would have actually put the carpet down and finished it instead of sitting there 4 hours he could have gotten it to "do right".... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing here has helped me get some of the hurt out this evening... I've been writing an hour... now... I do feel somewhat better than very very exhausted.   I guess that's why his first wife got to where she just stayed in the bed the last 3 or 4 years of her life... she was exhausted, he broke her spirit, and she literally gave up?? 

GOD knows I need peace, comfort, security, quiet and NO threats... no abuse... no mental/ emotional abuse... no physical abuse... NO threats of harm to me or the animals... no throwing food on the floor, or breaking things... no shoving, or belittling... no accusing... no degrading... no criticism... I NEED TO HAVE MY OWN HOME TO GO TO AND FEEL SAFE.  I WANT to feel comforted, secure, where I can lay down at night and SLEEP without being brutally awaken by raging screaming threats, or worse.  I WANT ME AND THE ANIMALS SAFE.  No shoving, kicking them... no threats to leave them on a road somewhere... no threats to me if I don't "get rid of them".... 

I WANT my own home.  I have been working online to set up websites the past year... and have a folder full of "make money online/ work from home ideas".... Over the past several months (when I have a few hours free!) I'm setting up a few ways to "make money online/from home".  I NEED A MIRACLE... SO I CAN GO BUY MYSELF A HOME.  FREE AND CLEAR OF HIM AND HIS CONTROL.  SOMEWHERE I CAN GO WHENEVER HE'S AT WORK... until I can get all my things and all the animals moved there over a couple of weeks.  WITH MY OWN HOME AND MY OWN MONEY/FUNDS I WILL BE ABLE TO BREAK FREE ONE DAY.

MY HEART AND MIND can barely comprehend PEACE right now... A LIFE without threats, harm, threats of harm... without rages, hatred, anger, hurt, belittling, or bullying.  A LIFE where I am not subject to my husband's abuse because he "lives in his own miserable little world" as he's told me several times over the past few years.  I can ONLY IMAGE how good it will feel, and what a stress relief, and a physical relief it will be for me to only have to clean up behind myself and the animals... and NOT be on call 24/7/ 365 days a year for my husband... I feel like a total SLAVE to him, and even sadder, he wants me to feel that way.  

Him hurting the animals in the past, is what has made me so determined to get them away.  I CANNOT and WILL NOT leave without every one of them!   Seeing him punch the little dwarf billy goat in the nose with his fist three times a year and a half ago... seeing him kick the dog (I rehomed him after that) in the chest with his steel toed work boot, and him killing the little orange and white cat at our old country house by kicking her the same way... has left a place in my heart that I cannot forgive him for until I'm AWAY --- and me and the animals are SAFE at my OWN HOME.  (A place he doesn't even know where is.)  

My husband has LIED about all the above even though I've SEEN it all with my own eyes.  Just like one of the doctors on the youtube videos I watch, says:  A  narcissistic sociopath will ask you "Who are you going to believe your own eyes OR ME???"  They lie and try to convince YOU you didn't "SEE what you saw".... They try to displace YOUR reality by attempting to make their victims think they are losing it, when it's ALL smoke and mirrors on THEIR part!!!   By him killing that little cat a year and a half ago... he made me realize how sadistic he can be.  MY mind can't comprehend that sort of hateful meanness.... My sister says "he's shown US his truth colors"... and it's no telling what he actually did to his first wife!!  

It's so sad that he will not allow himself to be happy, grateful and thankful, or allow me to love him... but that is him.  I pray God will change  his heart for his sake.

I simply want to own a home of my own where me and these animals are safe.