4-2-25 Wednesday night 10: 25 pm
Here I'm going to write about a few things that have happened the last week... My husband's hatefulness and abuse of me...sigh. I'm tired, and don't even feel like writing in this blog but I will so it's documented before I forget dates, etc...
We went to a concert last Thursday night (March 27th) that my husband wanted to see. He bought the tickets about a month or more ago when we were at the show/concert for the last band HE wanted to see. (He was drunk when he bought the tickets.) Long story made short he was more than horrible on 30 mile drive to the concert. We left late which is NORMAL for him... as we very rarely arrive anywhere on time... before something actually starts. He cussed and raged and attempted to bully, intimidate and berate me in the car 75 percent of the way there.
I'd brought a flash drive with me to download photos from my phone to the drive so I'd have room to take pictures of the concert, etc. After we got into the car he wanted me to do several things for him. Look up who the opening act was, what time the concert actually started. Look up the address. Then google map the route. He also asked me to google a couple of other things... I forget now what that was. I DID ALL THAT FOR HIM. After which I was attempting to read how to download the photos from my phone to the flash drive I had attached to it. He just kept at me one thing after another. Such as: "You are mad aren't you?" I told him, "No..." and kept reading and trying to figure out what I was trying to do... He stated, not asked....two or three other times. "You are mad aren't you." (To which I repeated "No..." and kept reading my directions as to how to download my files...) He would NOT let up... "You've made up your mind we are going to have a bad night haven't you." (Again a statement not a question.) I repeated "No... I'm fine... I'm reading something on my phone..." STILL he kept on at me. "I can tell we are going to have a shitty night. You are not going to go in there in a good mood are you? You are already in a pissy mood and mad." (MORE statements deflecting what his feelings and attitudes were already, NOT mine.) HE WOULD NOT SHUT UP>>>> but got louder and more hateful and cussing, etc.
Finally I told him, "Look I'm trying to read directions on how to move photos from my phone..." (HE KNOWS I get very car sick if I read very long in a vehicle!!)
HE was >>>> getting more hateful, more berating, and more raging... "I KNEW you were mad ...see how you answered me... You are in ingrate... YOU are so mean hearted and hateful... See how you answer me." MY husband was being totally abusive cussing and raging like an absolute deranged person. ALL to deflect his stupid unreasonable anger onto me, instead of dealing with his OWN anger and emotions, because he was making us be very LATE.
After about 15 minutes of his total emotional abuse of me when I was NOT doing him anything mean, I'd had enough and told him, "SHUT THE F*CK UP and LEAVE ME ALONE!"
He said, "I'm turning around up at the next fucking exit!!!!!" totally hateful and mean. I told him, "GOOD as far as I'm concerned you can pull over now and let me out on the side of the road now and I'll call an uber." HE said, "You are such a fucking ingrate. You are so hateful hearted, and the meanest woman I've ever seen. You fucking ingrate" I told him, "I told you I was trying to read ... I was not doing anything wrong to you... YOU kept on with your hateful mouth and had to just keep on at me for no reason other than trying to deflect to me! If I'm the hateful one why is it I was the quiet one... doing nothing to you while you RAGE like a psycho?"
He continued, "I'm fucking turning around at the next exit... fuck this. I don't want to be around a hateful fucking woman like you."
That WAS enough. I told him, "STOP the car now... don't wait for the exit... let me out NOW. PULL over on the side the road and while you are at it, f*ck yourself, while you are stopped." He looked totally shocked...
My husband popped off as best he could knowing he caused ALL the drama and abuse toward me for nothing... "You are fucking hateful... a hateful ingrate."
I told him, "YOU are the only ingrate in this car. YOU are the only one abusing anyone here. YOU are the only one that keeps the drama and bullshit going... I'm truly tired of your hatefulness and abuse and bullshit!"
"What do you mean ? You are abusing me..." he came back with a LIE and a pitiful line because he KNEW I SPOKE THE TRUTH. "I've never had any woman speak to me the way you do..." he added.
My patience with his bullshit and rages and abuse was at it's end. I replied << "That's because the other two women you were with and abused for years, were both too scared of you to say anything BACK to YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sick and tired of you berating me, abusing me and deflecting your bullshit back to me trying to say I did something to YOU. YOU ARE A narcissistic sociopath!!"
We basically rode the remainder of the trip in peace. About 10 minutes later, after he got quiet, I said to my husband. "Can we just please both relax and just have a good time at the concert ok?" OF course that was too simple for him to do and he had to continue his shitty attitude UNTIL after we got into the building. (HE took 10 minutes or MORE to get the parking ticket --- he refused my help at the beginning so I Iet him alone. (You had to scan the sign and do the parking online, etc... I tried to tell him and he was hateful and didn't want help even though he has NO CLUE how to do it...) Then he tried to blame me AFTER he finished and said I couldn't even help him...????? My husband is truly SAD, in his utter rages with himself... and his past life rages with his deceased wife that still haunts him.
AFTER we went inside for the concert he changed his attitude like flipping a light switch??? (JUST shows he does all those things on meanness... and hateful purpose...sigh.) It was as if he was in a crowd then and had to show off his "good" manners...
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4-1-2025
Yesterday -- he (husband) got up at 4pm (he'd been in bed ALL day reading and chatting (typing) on Political forums online). I'd told him earlier I was washing and drying all his dirty clothes. (He had about 5 pairs of shirts / pants in his dirty clothes drawer and didn't tell me. This is the drawer he puts clothes he "re-wears" ----his "not really dirty" clothes into and leaves, and he gets mad if I wash those clothes telling me he "was going to re--wear them".) Anyway, I didn't know it was full of dirty clothes until earlier when I looked and I took all those clothes and all his in the actual dirty clothes, to wash. I had a large washer load full, plus another load to wash after that load! When he got up, he looked in that drawer, and his clean laid out suit of clothes drawer (where I lay out pants, shirt, underwear and socks for him each day...).
WHEN he found NO clothes in either drawer he got mad asking, "Where are all MY clothes?" I told him, "They are all dirty and I told you earlier I was washing and drying them..." He begin his BS... "Do you need help folding clothes?" (I knew this was his starting some bullshit fight or trying to do so...) I told him know they are washing and I have to dry them when they are finished. He begin, "You should have the washer and dryer open in case my son needs to wash his clothes." (This is the almost 27 yr. old man still living with US, and allowed to live in the bedroom in our house, with it literally looking like a garbage dump, filled with fast food garbage of all kinds and pure filth.) He continued, "I would even do that for a roommate... He might need to wash." I told my husband, "He just washed two days ago, he's not going to wash again for several days PLUS after he washed I left the washer and dyer opened the next two days!" My husband kept on, "It's rude to not have them open on the days he has off." I repeated myself. "I told YOU he already washed." Then he tried to up it a notch by adding. "I don't won't you to lay out my clothes for me... and when my clothes need washing tell ME, and I'll wash them." ALL THE WHILE I'M THINKING ALL HE'S SAYING is COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I'm supposed to TELL him>>> when HIS clothes need washing ? Is that supposed to be an oxy moron or what?? I almost burst out laughing at him... I mean how ridiculous is that??
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OK... ALSO >>>> yesterday... Tuesday, April 1st, 2025... My husband waited until about 20 minutes before dark to jump up and run to the back yard (the dog's yard) to mow it... HE was pissed at the dogs because of the holes they'd dug in the past weeks... Just 2 bad ones really... I went out there when I saw where he'd gone because I knew he was already pissed with himself for NOT mowing all day but keeping his face stuffed into his laptop reading and chatting on news forums ALL DAY the last two days. I wanted to make sure he didn't take it out on my dogs (my large shepherd boy and the pit bull pup who is nearly grown now).
When I got to the dog yard, he was picking up two foot long red concrete pieces of flower bed edging (these pieces weighing about 20 plus pounds EACH) AND throwing them up on top of a 4 x 4 ft x 4 ft tall dog house ROOF, my sister had given me 8 years ago (2 yrs before I met him). He and I had put a nice heavy metal roof on it 6 years ago when we moved it here (to our city house). (My sister had also given me the heavy metal roofing panels to do that with!) He was just slinging those long heavy pieces of concrete up on to the roof and shoving them around. I told him, "YOU cannot put all that heavy flower bed edging up on the roof it will dent it and make holes in the roof by you throwing it up there!!!!" (He'd already thrown 2 pieces onto the roof.)
My husband ran to the gate livid in rage and said, "I fucking hate living here." I stared him in the eyes, never breaking the glance, and said in anger nearly matching his, "WELL, that makes TWO of us then!"
He turned and threw the third piece of edging down on the ground and pushed passed me ON purpose, to just be able to shove me... I threw the two pieces of edging off my dog house and to the ground. When I got back inside he'd left in his car. I knew he was going to Winn Dixie. ALL OF THAT meanness and drama and attempting to tear up that GOOD sturdy dog house just because he was aggravated with his own self for doing NOTHING for TWO days but keep his nose stuck in his laptop chatting about news and politics on three news forums... CRAZY doesn't begin to describe him. Another thing... HE himself, was the one that hauled ALL those long heavy pieces of concrete edging into the dog's yard. I told him back then when he did it, we didn't need them in there. His answer had been, "You can use them to fill in holes the dogs dig. I don't want them around the flower beds any longer..." THUS, he hauled about 24 long pieces and threw them all over the ground in the dog's yard. SO over the last few months I've been using them to fill in dog holes. HE SAW this about a month and ago and said, "You are using that good edging to fill in holes with?" I told him, "I told you I didn't need them in the dog yard and YOU TOLD me to fill in holes the dog's may dig SO I HAVE BEEN USING THEM FOR THAT!!!!!!"
I can not explain HOW exhausting dealing with his moods are, day in and day out. HE WAS OFF 8 DAYS sick until 5 days ago. I have NOT had a chance to catch up on sleep or the shear exhaustion of taking care of him around the clock that caused me!! I'm was so tired today I could barely function at all.
OHH>>>>>> before I forget. AFTER he left last night, I GOT THE PUSH MOWER and mowed the entire dog yard!!!!!!!!!!!! I moved all those heavy pieces of edging and threw them on a wooden pallet in the corner of the yard next to his 4 x 5 ft "compost" pile that he's got covered with another wooden pallet. My 16 year old nephew was coming to stay with us for a few days and they came while I was mowing. I hugged my sister and we helped him get his stuff inside the house. Then I asked him to move a 12 ft ladder leaned against the wooden fence so I could mow there and had him help me put 3 broken straight pieces of the heavy edging under the front dog yard gate where an old sallow hole had been dug a few months ago that I had covered with a long planter.
So that's been my last week (well actually 12 days) of dealing with my husband... WHEN I'm GONE I don't know what he will do. The night of the concert and last night just proved ONE more time... for the two hundredth time, that when I do finally LEAVE, to just go... and not feel bad about leaving in ANY way.
Sometimes he can be sooo sweet... like the first 4 months of our marriage, six LONG years ago. WHY can't that be his REAL personality, and his REAL attitude ALL THE TIME????????? WHY DOES he not control his meanness, his hatefulness, and his rages? I mean two women before me, were treated like he treats me... ONLY worse, I KNOW, because he broke both of them... especially his deceased first wife he was with twenty years.
Thinking of all that makes me so sad, to just to know, what I do know, about what-- that poor woman went through at my husband's hands. NOT to mention the physical and mental abuses she also went through, at the hands of her two grown children, the last couple of years of her life!! It's ALL very sad. It makes me sick, to think of all her own son did to her, and that he, finally, overdosed her. What kind of people have I been dealing with... really, for six years? It sounds like something out of a horror movie.
It's surreal many times for me... My mind cannot, at times, comprehend the meanness, or mind set, of the three of them. The last three days I've had that feeling that I'm out of my body, watching my life... watching, but not part of it. I know this is a survival response... I've researched it all several times before... Below is what google research sums it up as: