We came to our old country house this afternoon.... getting here about 2:30 pm. I drove the nearly 60 miles one way from our city house. I lost a close family member whom we still must have the wake and funeral for... My husband has caught me crying to myself a few times over the past two days but hasn't even hugged me...
He's been deceit the last several days except for about 10 minutes last night he begin hounding me about the eight cats we have living in the house with us at our city house. (It's 5 cats and 3 kittens ... who are 95 percent CLEANER than his one 25 year old son that my husband allows to live like a filthy slob with us. I'm going to make a photo page here and post photos of the cats litter area vs. the son's bedroom! ~~ Because I'm tired of my husband harassing me and attempting to emotionally and mentally torture me by threatening my animals.)
Then after we got here this evening I did about 10 or more things while he unloaded the car and watered the goats... I put up groceries, cold stuff, feed ALL the goats, fed the dogs, the cats, and watered them, fed my little 5 bunnies ... All I have left of my rabbits I used to breed years ago. I did several other things and told him I had to REST after two hours... It was 94 degrees here today and about 90 percent humidity outside. I was about to pass out I was so hot.
I had not been sit down at my computer but about 10 minutes when he came tearing into the old farm house from outside and raging like a psycho lunatic... he was already in a rage when he came in. He was yelling and raging about the goats being neglected. (HE'S ONLY BEEN TO OUR OLD COUNTRTY HOUSE 2 TIMES IN A MONTH??) He was mad because some of their water buckets had some green algae beginning in them. They were washed out two days ago... I MEAN It's SUMMER NOW... geezzz...
He went from one thing to another raging. I was fairly calm and went to the kitchen and sat at the table and was going to get me something to eat as I only had a tad of cereal for breakfast. He KNOWS losing my family member is weighing on my mind and heart... he knows I have not talked overly much to him or burdened him... He knew on the way here we pass within 3 miles of where my sister lives and he KNEW I wanted to stop by her house for 15 minutes. He threw a short cussing rage fit about that on the road/way here (to old country house).
Anyway, I'd been sat down about 10 minutes to cool off trying to answer an old school friend on fb to tell her about our family member that died and about the wake and funeral coming up. My husband was hyped up on Adderall and energy drinks.... he was on his 4th energy drink in 4 hours and had taken more Adderall. WHEN he does this it makes him nervous, anxious and MEAN... Next week after we get through our family member's wake/funeral I'm going to make an appointment with his doctor (who is also mine) as they have been calling me for a checkup and I'm going to talk to her about his Adderall usage and also his drinking... and ALOT of other things. I'm TIRED.
He followed me in the kitchen and I got up from the table with an unbreakable bowl in my hand to rake a spoonful of old mashed potatoes into the garbage can that had been in the frig. My husband begin raging again. He was sooo ugly and mean. I told him I needed peace as he knew my mind and heart was on our loved one my family and I LOST... He continued to rage saying, "Don't use the death of your family member to make excuses for not doing things I ask you to do. Don't use them dying as an excuse..." I WAS MAD. I stood up and threw the unbreakable bowl in the floor and told him he had no compassion for anyone!! He jumped up from the table and said "You want to throw things...fuck you... I'll show you how to throw things..." He ran to the frig and started throwing bowls of food out... he threw out three bowls of good food my sister had given me... some meats balls and sauce I wanted so badly to eat. He shoved me back twice as I told him to stop and tried to shut the refrigerator... I had my fist balled up and my arms up in a protective cross over my face and chest... He shoved me a third time and I shoved him back off me and accidentally bumped him under his left eye on his face... NOT very hard. He started yelling, "You fucking punched me in the eye... You fucking hit me in the eye ....!!"
I was shocked. "I told him I did not punch you I was pushing you back off me when you shoved me and I didn't mean to bump you..." He raged and threatened to break all kinds of other things in the house... then looked at all the food he'd thrown on the floor and raged, "Who's going to clean this up???" I left the room.... (We are supposed to be staying the night here but he'd also raged early that he was leaving in an hour and I had to hurry up and finish with the animals... ALWAYS trying to keep me stressed and rushed and harassed.)
After that I was sobbing in hurt and called my sister. MY husband's work GAVE HIM THREE PAID days OFF for a member of MY family dying... YET he could not even stop by my family's house for 15 minutes ON our way up here to our old country house??? He has not EVEN so much as called any of my family AT ALL. Yet, he accused ME of using my our family member's death as an "excuse"... I AM HURT, I AM GREVING. WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE WAKE AND FUNERAL STILL... MY HUSBAND NEEDS MENTAL HELP.
I can hardly believe that ANY woman's husband COULD BE SO ABSOLUTELY MEAN AND HATEFUL AS MINE WAS TWO HOURS AGO.
My husband also threatened to divorce me for about the 500th time in the last three years. I recorded most all of the "fight" today... on a voice recording. He threatened me telling me if I don't get rid of the eight cats living in our city house with us that he's "going to do what he has to do".... He had the gall to tell me. "You are supposed to MAKE me happy .... YOU are not even trying to make me happy .... you don't do shit for me."
Yesterday we SPENT all day moving his daughter to a new apartment with new roommates... an apartment I hunted on the internet for her, found for her, contacted the two roommates for her, contacted one of the girl's mothers that handles the rent, contacted the landlord, arranged a tour of the place last week, got a key for her Friday and moved her yesterday. But I don't do shit for him or his "kids" (who are 21 and 25)??????
My husband hurt me so badly today... Every time some sort of emergency or something stressful happens in my life... HE IS SHITTY and mean. As my sister and one of my friends has told me... it would not matter if we had NO animals at all he would find something to rage about as THAT WAS WHAT HE DID WITH HIS DECEASED WIFE FOR 20 YEARS. Out of his own mouth he told me he got into a habit of raging and fighting with her over the years. He promised he would never do that to me.
He threatened me with divorce again today... He told me he was not "RAGING" at me but trying to talk to me about things and if he couldn't talk to me about things he said, "I guess I'll just do what I have to do then..." threatening me and attempting to make me worried and upset.
My husband does not want me to have anything for myself or to bring me joy. Like the cats, or dogs (that stay full time at our old country house... here...now...) or the five little rabbits that are here... he doesn't want me to write or be successful at anything. He is SO absolutely afraid I WIL BE A SUCCESS.... He has told me I won't need him anymore then and will think I can do what I want when I have my own money again. (He made be leave my job two years ago.)
AS God is my witness, I want the monetary funds to go right NOW and buy a home and vehicle of my own and move ALL these animals to there (his 8 goats included)... so we will never have to be abused again. I want peace, love, goodness, abundance of all good things... I don't want rage, hate, ugliness, hurt, pain, sadistic behavior, meanness, hatefulness and someone that dislikes his own self so much he can't be grateful, thankful and happy.
I'm crying now.... My husband finds fault even in my grieving a loved one that has died? What is wrong with this picture? He is messed up in the mind. He tries to keep me so upset, so nervous, so worried that I can barely function some days. Without God and my sister and a friend I would not have made it this far. I can't stop my tears now.... How can he use my family's death to hurt me? I want my own home... my own money, my own vehicles and out of this abuse. I'm tired emotionally, physically and mentally and this week I've had more than I can take. I can't stop sobbing... I tired. I'm tired of living afraid. I'm tired of he threatening to get rid of my animals or to throw the out on the road or to hurt them. I'm tired of him threatening me even if he thinks I may be trying to find some sort of job... even work from home... He doesn't want me to write. He's afraid I will succeed. I'm ready to go... to a home of MY OWN. I don't know right now how much more I can survive. My nerves are so upset. How am I'm going to stop sobbing? I'm broken hearted right now...
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