9:09pm Sunday night July 27th, 2025
My husband made me go out in the back yard (dog yard) about 25 minutes ago and made me move a hug board 14" wide x about 12 foot long x 2 inch thick board he's put behind the 4 x 8 ft dog house (I had built last summer (2024) because the dogs were miserably hot and overheated outside and he didn't want them living in the house). He told me (and it's recorded on a voice recording on my phone) that he poured an entire bottle (like a liter or a liter and a half) of termite/insect poison in about a 1 foot deep trench he said he dug behind the dog house along the brick of this house (city house)... and he then filled it full of sand and put that big long board partly over it and MADE me move it to cover it completely.
My sister and I think he's taken "speed" or some sort of drug to keep him going as he's had to work day shift the last 5 days. I do not know how he's not fallen out literally because last night he had maybe 40 minutes sleep, and then Friday night he may have had an hour sleep... Idk... exactly, but I do know he HAS NOT had, probably, 5 hours sleep in the last 4 nights!!
NOW, he's bitching and raging at me telling me I threw our marriage in the f*cking garbage... he just now (9:22pm) came in and sit down by me in the living room... here all evening with his head in his laptop until about 40 minutes ago... then he jumped up and went outside and started piddling in the yard AT NIGHT... Now he's sitting by me in the living room again bitching at me about my TWO DOGS (the shepherd and the pit bull).... telling me he didn't want them... and I brought them here without his permission... that is a LIE. (And I don't have my female anymore since May when she died because of being hurt) WELL... NEWS FLASH ___>>> I don't want his two lazy ass grown adult disrespectful, mean "kids" AFTER putting up with their bullshit AFTER SIX LONG YEARS. I didn't feel this way about them UNTIL this year and I decided I'm not going to be forced to interact with disrespectful 24 and 27 year old adults that scream, hit and rage at their OWN father... and attack me physically!! IF my husband will NOT control them it's HIS OWN FAULT when they turn on him. JUST like back in May when the 24 yr old daughter was living with US because she almost got arrested for physically fighting with her roommate... HIS 27 yr. old son got in HIS face screaming, raging and cussing at his dad... (he was cussing and threatening me... ) I told all three of them that night I'd have them ALL arrested because I WAS NOT going to be attacked again, or bullied... I told them ALL three of them are psychotic bullies. IT took 5 minutes of my husband screaming at his 27 yr. old son telling him "GO TO YOUR ROOM AND LEAVE HER ALONE (ME)." BEFORE THE SON WOULD EVEN LISTEN TO HIS DAD. I thought the son was going to hit his dad.... I really did.
MY FEMALE dog was HURT badly back in May by his hateful daughter who in front of me kicked her and made her fall off the sofa... then two days after that, when I was gone to our old country house, and HIS daughter was left at our city house, with my dog, is when my girl got horribly WORSE and could barely breath and died a few days later. HE told me to take her to the vet if it was not going to coast too much...???????? After I told him it would probably be a few thousand he didn't want me to take her. Then after my baby died I realized the REASON he had told me to begin with to take her to the vet was because HE KNEW HIS daughter had HURT her. I don't know if I will ever get over my dog getting hurt and losing her.
Right now...9:27 pm he's in the hall way at his son's bedroom door calling a 27 yr. old man "baby" and asking him if he needs him to do anything for him??? (before his son goes to work the night shift in the convenience store he's been working at for a year since he was made to leave the job as a scaffold builder helper at contracted where my husband works about a 20 months ago...).
11:45 pm NOW .... My husband let the shepherd and pit bull out of the huge crate in the living room about 10 pm... he let them run wild around the house... (they will not listen to him anyway). He then started bitching at me about the garage being full and disorganized... instead of paying any attention to the dogs...
He was hunting an ice chest for his daughter Thursday (because she has not paid an electric bill in the over a month since she's lived at her "new" apartment by herself since around June 8th... AND GUESS WHAT? ... HER ELECTRICAL POWER WAS TURNED OFF Wednesday night!!!!!!! (She moved from the big city to a "big small town" 40 miles south north of here the first week in June. She told her dad and I that the power bill was included in with the monthly rent... I told my husband back then I DO NOT think the electrical bill is included in the rent... I'm from that area up there where she moved to and my sister and I have known of those apartments for years and the power bill WAS NEVER included in with the rent payments. I told my husband that and told his daughter that.... If they can't listen then let her do without power. HER brother (the 27 yr. old that lives here with US... went Friday at 8am and was supposed to have taken her to see permit office a mile from her apartment to get the permit and reconnect the power.... she waited until Friday evening about 6:30 pm to call my husband and tell him the power was still off...???? He should have set her straight... he did raise his voice and demand why she waited so late but that was about it.... He just put $1000 in her account 2 wks ago for her to go on a 4 day beach trip with her friend... the girl she up there to be near... because she has a crush on her!!... HIS daughter can't work because she's having numbness in her legs... and she can't walk much because it hurts her to walk... YET, she can go walk around Walmart shopping with my husband for an hour and a half, and SHE CAN WALK ENOUGH TO GO ON A 4 DAY BEACH VACATION???? THEN TWO DAYS AGO MY HUSBNAD PUT $800 MORE DOLLARS INTO HIS DAUGHTER'S ACCOUNT????)
BACK to my husband at 10pm bitching at me about the garage being disorganized and a mess.... I told him Thursday that if we still had the blue ice chest it would be IN THE GARAGE.. HE TOLD ME HE LOOKED and did not see it...??? OK.... Then tonight he begin raging about it because it was three foot inside the garage door covered up with tools or something HE HAD PLACED on top of it... AND HE DIDN'T SEE IT Thursday when he looked???? OK... that's my fault how????????? He was ignoring the dogs allowing them to run wild around the living room and kitchen and was fussing at me about the dogs also... "You brought these dogs here without my permission... they are miserable.... NO one ever spends time with them." JUST one bitch after another... to deflect from his BS and his daughters BS and the FACT that he's fed up with his daughter's bullsh*t and is mad with her... He kept all allowing the dogs to run wild... I called my shepherd to me and loved him up... she started to jerk away, and I lightly swatted him on the side his muzzle and told him to sit... and he sat and put both paws in my lap. MY husband bitched at me for doing that... ?? MY DOGS LOVE ME... and my husband makes them feel so hurt and insecure by yelling and cussing at me and them.
My husband would not let up... he went from one thing to another raging... he went back to the dogs, raging and saying they need someone to love them... They don't need to be locked in a crate inside. I told him when it's me and them I leave them out with me alot... He kept on.... and on... I said, "What's going to make you happy ...? ... if I go throw them over a bridge??" I'm sick of him putting down on me and my animals... I'm sick of him wanting me to "get rid" of them BECAUSE they LOVE me and with them I depend on him less and less for emotional support. Since my girl dog has died, something has changed in me toward his daughter and him. HE KNOWS she hurt my girl dog.... I told my husband when he came home from work at 4am back in May, and his daughter was still asleep on the sofa that she had KICKED my dog and hurt her.... just because she had jumped up on the sofa end (where she always laid BEFORE his daughter came back here (after being moved out 3 1/2 years). My husband had looked worried that morning and asked me what had happened. I told him my girl dog had jumped up on the end of the sofa and his daughter was laying down (INSTEAD of in her own bedroom on her own bed)... and she had kicked my dog several times before she could get down off the sofa).
I appreciate my sister talking to me about 40 minutes tonight. I'm exhausted. This morning about 3:30 am (husband left for work about 3:12 am) I watched a youtube video with Dr. Ramani... I think that's her name... She has lots of videos on how to try to survive and just live with a narcissistic sociopath, and just great advice to try to help victims...sigh. She said in this video she's been dealing with a narcissist in her personal life lately, and she CANNOT EXPLAIN THE SHEER EXHAUSTION AND FATIGUE SHE FEELS. She said in the video, she had 9 hours of sleep at night and woke up feeling so exhausted and fatigued she could barely function!! This video helped me so much... the last week I've been emotionally upset over how TIRED I seem to be all the time... she really helped me to heard her today, talk as she did. She said it's NOT the victims fault... the narcissist does this to their victims ON PURPOSE.... it's their plan to gaslight, keep the victims so confused, and hurt and disoriented and upset... that's their plan...and it's EXAHUSTING... She (the Dr.) said she cannot state how ABSOLUTELY FATIGUED SHE FEELS. She said she understands how many times the Victims cannot just "leave" because of lack of money to do so, and/or for just lack of physical strength because you feel like you just don't have strength to do anything... SIGH ... HOW true.
The narcissist is so miserable with themselves they must deflect to others... what they do not do, or do, in an attempt to have someone to blame other than themselves. You never know what mood they will be in... if they will be smiling or raging, kind or hateful... or a combination of happy one moment and nice and then 3 seconds later raging and being so hateful that you are thrown for an emotional loop!! The Dr. said in her video it's a never ending roller coaster and completely and totally fatigue for their Victims. She said Victims need to try to SELF LOVE and be good to themselves realizing it's NOT them... AND to NOT believe what the narcissist say about them, attempt to blame them for, or accuse them of!!
It's July 28th, 2025, Monday now, and 12:53 am... In between my shoulders, in my thoracic area I feel an aching, hurt and pulling from picking up on that big, long heavy plank my husband made me move a few hours ago (last night about 9pm). He knows I've had back problems in past years. HE also knows I have a "natural" fusion of between vertebra either 9/10 or 10/11 in my thoracic back. (I can't remember which... it's been so many years since I had an MRI, etc.) My sister is very very concerned he's attempting to force me to hurt myself by physical things he's trying to force me to do.
I feel like crying... like just balling my eyes out ... like just sitting down in the corner in my big chair here in the bedroom and crying / sobbing until it can't cry anymore. I'M TIRED.... I'M exhausted... overwhelmed... hurt, emotionally a wreck... especially the last 3 days... HE MUST BE on some sort of drug to keep him awake 4 days and 4 night???? WHAT other explanations is there???? HE NEEDS TO PASS OUT these two days he's off (Mon/Tues)... SO I CAN REST.
